Music Video Reviews*

(Please know I did not select these, it’s just what MTV Hits chose to show me tonight.)

Katy Perry – Waking Up in Vegas

This video is great! Things I like: right size story, amazing costumes, the humorless assistant from Bones as the hilarious boyfriend, and Katy Perry’s amazing rack.

Jesse McCartney – How Do You Sleep?

This video is terrible. Things I do not like: the slow rap he does in the middle of the song, that it is in black and white, his shiny gray suit, the weird race overtones I probably made up, and that I had to watch the whole thing. Also, it’s one of those backstage glimpse things, but who the hell wants that from this guy? That works if you have mystique or something.

Eminem – We Made You

Oh, whatever, Eminem. I’m not coming to you for subtle satire or anything, but this is sub-MadTV stuff. It’s just a list of famous people! Confidential to Lloyd from Entourage: Why did you agree to do this? Things I liked: Eminem’s dancing is actually good/funny. Everything else makes my heart sad.

Kid Cudi – Day & Night

This video is okay. I like the creativity – he walks around and there are MS Paint style effects on the people (funny hair, costumes). I don’t know why they couldn’t sync the lyrics with his mouth. Mostly this is just boring, though. The MS Paint stuff was a cool idea, but nothing happens so it doesn’t really hold my interest.

Chrisette Michele – Epiphany

Did JJ direct this? There is so much lens flare, yet they are not in space. Anyway, this video is also boring. Oh I’m so sad reminiscing about my ex-boyfriend. I feel like I’ve seen this video a hundred times.

Super funny commercial for Easy Curves, or what I call “I Must, I Must, I Must Increase My Bust”

My favorite commercial.

Kanye West – Amazing

Boy am I tired of overprocessed vocals. Anyway, I do not like this video. It’s just pretty scenery and a fire and Kanye looking pensive and saying “so amazing” five thousand times. I think the Earth is the amazing thing? For a while I was worried there wasn’t going to be a scantily clad young lady, but then she showed up, thank God.

Kevin Rudolf – Welcome to the World

I don’t know what I just saw.

*I just found this entry in our draft folder, from May. Timely commentary. You’re welcome.

JONAS

Guys, I have to tell you about the Jonas Brothers’ new Disney channel show. It is called JONAS. I have seen one episode. Here is the premise: The 3 famous Jonas brothers play the famous Lucas brothers. They are rock stars but also go to a private school. They live in a fire station (unexplained). They don’t seem to have parents, but there is an adult wandering around who they call Doug. Also, Bonus Jonas plays their little brother (Bonus’s real name is Frankie, but Bonus Jonas is just too good). He is 8, so the no parents thing is really pretty weird.

In the episode I saw the A-plot was about Joe’s old friend coming to visit. But the old friend, Carl, is too excited about the Jonases being rockstars. He thinks it’s all parties and chicks. He lets the paparazzi in, he puts spray cheese on the walls, touches their guitars, breaks their fancy Cher-in-Clueless-style closet, etc. The boys decide to show him what it’s really like as a rock star. Rehearsing loudly at night, answering huge piles of fan mail, sorting stuff animals (?), and getting mauled by girls volleyball teams. Carl learns his lesson and goes back home with his tail tucked between his legs. He leaves a sad note, though, so our heroes feel bad and throw Carl a party so he can be popular at his school. Then they perform at the party.

There is also a subplot about their school friend who buys a potato chip that looks like Joe. And another one about them playing hide and go seek with Bonus, but forgetting he’s hiding for days and days.

This is basically any Disney channel show, except it’s incredibly weird and also pretty funny. That is an exaggeration, but obviously I expected it to be zero funny, so. Here are some jokes / plot elements I enjoyed:

• In the cold open, the boys really want to watch a leprechaun based tv show. They have leprechaun hats they wear while doing this. (This bit is oddly similar to one on the Sarah Silverman show, where the Silverman sisters watch Cookie Time together.)
• There are too many remotes, though, and one of them cues confetti.
• While rehearsing loudly at night, Joe Jonas plays a tambourine in a pretty hilarious loose-hipped way.
• Joe reads Carl’s sad goodbye note aloud. Kevin repeatedly thinks Joe is expressing his own thoughts. “You are annoying sometimes, Joe.” “Don’t say that, you have great hair!”
• At one point, the boys are startled, and scream. Kevin’s girly scream goes on for like a minute longer than everyone else’s.
• While messing with the Clueless closet, Carl comes up with a Hawaii/Alaska outfit. Joe says, “While I know I could pull that outfit off…”
• While they try to come up with a plan to teach Carl a lesson, Kevin says, “I’ve got an idea!” Nick (the youngest and strangely most serious Jonas) says, “Can you explain your idea without using any of the following words: pie fight, trampoline, time machine?” “No.”
• Also Nick: Carl does a bit where he pretends to be a robot repeatedly running in to Nick. Nick hates it in a way that is very funny, like even real Nick Jonas hated it for real. Kevin claps with glee when Carl does this.
• When they play at the end of the episode, they begin with “Hello, living room!” in the style of “Hello, [name of city where concert is being held]!”
• At one point, Doug goes over to the kitchen sink, opens the cabinet under it, and hands Bonus his mail. Everything about that is “?”

Apparently the “critics” (there are Disney channel show critics? Hee!) liken the show to The Monkeees, and that is totally right. I am impressed that it’s kind of absurd and silly. I was expecting it to be really terrible and to be more Jonas-ego-inflating. They are not afraid to look like idiots, though, and I appreciate that. Compare with, say, NSync or the Backstreet Boys, who had basically no sense of humor about themselves, and were clearly afraid to look like dorks.

After watching a lot of other stuff this next generation really likes – Twilight, High School Musical, Paramore music videos, etc. – I was really bummed out. Sentence I’d never thought I’d write: The Jonas brothers give me hope.

By the way, the show is not good, that is definitely not what I am saying. I do not recommend it unless you are me. I am going to keep watching it. I totally love it.

Throw out 50 things

Inspired by http://makeundermylife.com/ and because I have to move soon, I threw out 50 things. (Some of it was not actually thrown out, it will go to Goodwill or to relatives). Let me know if you want some mediocre books or video games. It felt really good to do this, highly recommended.

1. Christmas gift wrapping kit. Barely used, low-quality.

2. Old moisutrizer.

3. Yarn.

4. Weird face mask thing. Not that relaxing.

5. Butter dish. I thought I was too good for the fridge door.

6. Terrible flashlight.

7. Mysterious unopened rubbing alcohol.

8. Belt that is too big.

9. Humidifier. Nice, but I didn’t use it all winter, so.

10. Extremely old makeup bag.

11. Useless cat hair brush.

12. Gamecube.

13-15. Gamecube games: super monkey ball, XII, and NBA Street.

16-18. GBA games: Meteos, Urbz, Phoenix Wright.

19. Old mouse.

20. Toaster.

21. Shoes.

22. “Art”

23-30. Books I do not love.

31. Some face thing that came free with something else.

32. Toothpaste for sensitive teeth, which you use for the 6 months before you just give in and get the root canal.

33. Stronger version of #32.

34. Perfume.

35. Eye cream.

36. Ha! This is a monitor cleaner thing I got in law school.

37. Fancy purple paper I bought for a wedding thing in 2006.

38. Last year’s desk calendar. I was keeping it because it is pretty.

39. Broken pen.

40. The stickers that came with this year’s terrible Christmas gift calendar.

41. Old gloves.

42. Old hats.

43. Flor samples.

44. Socks.

45. Underwear (not shown).

46. Weird shirt I can’t figure out how to wear. It’s a fuzzy sweater, but it’s a tank top? What?

47. Shirt from the Gap that basically got holes everywhere the first time I washed it.

48. Pajama pants that I am confused by. What indoor temperature requires sweat capris?

49. Earmuff packaging.

50. Supersize bag of cotton balls, unopened.

Interior Design Blog Pet Peeves

This blog entry will appeal to no one, but I have to get these things off my chest. I am tired of:

• “The mix.” As in, Jenna is really into the mix. I have no idea what this means.
• “High and low.” No. Stop saying this. I understand that there are word count demands, but this phrase has no substance.
• Applying almost every design-y word to one room. Like, “this room feels raw, natural, refined, modern yet classic, with lots of neutrals and strong color elements.” Shut up. That is no room / every room.
• “Offhand.” I saw this first in Lucky magazine, where they talk about how offhand their meticulously planned outfits are. But now I’m seeing it on design blogs. The only thing offhand about interior design is the mess you cleaned up right before you took you AT house tour pictures. Let’s just make a rule – nothing that costs more than $5 can be called “offhand.”
• Animal hides. There is nothing more hilarious to me than a brownstone with a cowhide in it. WTF? Actually, this makes me laugh, so keep doing it, design people!
• It’s just Ikea. Look, everyone’s house is just full of Ikea. Okay, let me qualify that – everyone reading design blogs, and everyone featured on them, has a house full of Ikea. That’s okay, but let’s not pretend that someone has amazing taste when it’s 100% Ikea. Ikea has amazing taste.
• Two prints from Etsy does not make your wall a “gallery wall.”
• Where are you hiding your cords? Just once I want to see a power strip in a house tour / sneak peek.
• Misidentifying mid-century modern. Look, not EVERYTHING is MCM. For example, all your Ikea stuff is automatically not MCM. Many people like that style, but it annoys us when you promise MCM and show a coffee table with inlaid glass. No.
• Knitted throw pillow covers. This is just my weird thing, but knitted pillow covers are a terrible idea. You know what yarn does? It pills. Also, it sheds. This is like covering your throw pillows in dog hair. Oh, AND it’s hard to clean.
• The Eames rocker. I really like it, but now I’ve seen it in 99% of houses on the internet and I feel like I can’t like it anymore. I hope there is a mysterious accident where all Eames rockers are destroyed and everyone also gets Eames rocker amnesia so I can get one and not feel weird about it.
• Nice stuff in a shitty apartment. Look, your priorities are none of my business. But why do you have a $300 set of hooks in your little apartment? Maybe you really like those hooks. But they make me sad, like when someone asks Suze Orman if she can buy a Chanel purse on her $1,000 a month salary. (No.) I am not judging you (the rest of these bullet points ARE judging, though), I just wish you DIDN’T want those hooks so bad. Target makes hooks. They are cheap. Also, of all the things to go high-end on – hooks? Really?
• Glut. The source of all the aforementioned problems is that I read more than 50 home blogs a day. I am only hurting myself. Also, I would describe my design philosophy as “anonymous hotel room,” so I don’t know why I read them in the first place.

Ten rejected blog entry ideas

Idea [Reason for rejection]

1. When is Google going to get rid of the Gmail invites module in my sidebar? [Too Seinfeldian]
2. Figure out which Rolling Stone cover band/musician has sold the fewest albums. [Only interesting to me, too much work]
3. Why are my hands different colors? [I don't want to know the answer. Hand cancer, probably]
4. Something about my cat. [Violates cat talk ban]
5. Cliff game news: Jen made me make out with Paula Abdul. [I don't want to talk about it]
6. American Idol talk: I do not like Adam Lambert’s voice. [I hate things so often that no one cares anymore]
7. What’s life going to be like without cable? [More interesting question is when will I cave and get it? I mean, I have to get internet anyway, it's not THAT much more. Who had "immediately" in the pool?]
8. This morning the cat… [Oops]
9. I totally like music now, you guys! [Everyone else already knows about music]
10. Stuff I invented: grilled cheese, ice cream cake, cardigan over t-shirt, music videos, using a bowl instead of a plate, not putting fabric softener in with the towels, non-vinyl shower curtain liners, cinnamon sugar toast, peeling grapefruit, French, Battlestar Galactica [Jen says I don't know what "invent" means]

What I Read Today

I opened up Google Docs today and found a bunch of documents called “What I Read Today,” all dated late last year. This is one of those things I do and then completely forget about. Anyway, I thought it was a neat idea (I think all my ideas are neat, which is a character flaw that I find adorable). So, this is what I read today:

• A short story by Stephen King entitled “A Very Tight Place.” It concerned two wealthy men who are business enemies and then one of them goes a little nuts and traps the other one in a port-a-potty, which he then tips over. It’s been modified so the man will die in there. I would call the story “good” and the description of the poop smell “gag-inducing.”
• A short article about the bailout and McCain’s reaction to it, from the New Yorker. Conclusion: his was not the reaction of a good President; if he wins we should all put our money under our mattresses.
• Five emails from Jen.
• 112 work emails.
• One jillion articles about Sarah Palin.
• A short article about Liz Smith, who I do not understand. She’s Perez Hilton for old people? Is that the deal? I’m surprised by her continued ubiquity. Everyone seems to know who she is, but why? Also, isn’t her gossip always wrong and/or akin to celebrity press releases? Why do I have so many preconceived notions about Liz Smith?

That is all. Wait, I can’t end that way, because that is how John Hodgman ends his posts.

Things I’m Still Mad About

A non-exhaustive list, in order of how mad I still am:

• Swift Boat Veterans for Truth
• 2000
• Harriet Miers
• 2004
• Cancellation of Firefly
• Romney’s NYTimes editorial
• Certain people who eavesdropped on a game of Truth or Dare 10 years ago, which is not cool
• That Jackie and Hyde didn’t get back together on That ’70s Show

What are you still mad about?

The Naming of Things

I just noticed that Ta subtitled our blog Carebears v. Transformers, not Carebears vs. Transformers. This way is much funnier. Before, I felt kind of bad that the Carebears were going to be massacred by the giant, metal, weapon-toting / actually-being-weapons-themselves Transformers. What were the Carebears going to do? Care at them? Transformers don’t have souls, that wouldn’t have worked.

How I Imagine This Lawsuit Came To Be:

Location: Care-A-Lot, outside Grumpy Bear’s adorable house. Three Carebears gaze upward, where a huge battle rages in the rainbow-filled sky.

Grumpy Bear: Damn it!
Good Luck Bear: I hope it all works out! Those Decepticons are meanies!
Grumpy Bear: Do they have to do this here? Oh, great, now one of them is dropping bombs.
Funshine Bear: They’re pretty like fireworks! Anyone want a hug?
Good Luck Bear: I do!

They hug.  A bomb falls on Grumpy Bear’s adorable house.

Grumpy Bear: Every time. Every frigging time.
Funshine Bear, emerging from the hug: Oh no! Grumpy Bear, your house fell down!
Good Luck Bear: We can fix it!
Grumpy Bear: That doesn’t work, morons.
Funshine Bear and Good Luck Bear: CARE BEAR STARE!!!!

They stare at the rubble. Grumpy Bear rolls his eyes.

Tired of (part one of eighty billion)

These two photograph compositions:

1. Looking down at photographer’s shoes. Tips of shoes take up bottom 1/4 of frame. Top 3/4 may be floor, ground, or the actual subject of the photo.
2. Frame about two feet above and looking directly down at a surface. Subject often objects on a table.

Stop taking these pictures, please. I’m sure it’s just overexposure, but they are driving me right out of my goddamned mind. I look down at the floor and down at my desk all day. Also, your shoes aren’t that cute. And yes, you have evoked the charm of everyday objects, congratulations, so has everyone else with a digital camera and a knickknack.

Cliff Game: Recently Seen edition

ALERT: Contains mild Blades of Glory and 300 spoilers, and quite large The Prestige spoilers. 

Ta: This was originally called “Recently Netflixed/Frequently TiVoed edition,” but we ended up with some theater movies in here. It turns out, absed on our stats, a lot of people find their way here by Googling “cliff game.” Which is odd, but ok.

Frankly, I only put the TiVoed in there so we could do:

Supernatural characters: Sam, Dean, and Bobby.

Ro: Oh God, that’s impossible! I would be fine with literally any configuration so long as Dean lives and I don’t have to sleep with Bobby. So, let’s see:

Option 1: sleep with Sam, live with Dean, kill Bobby.
Option 2: sleep with Dean, live with Sam, kill Bobby.
Option 3: sleep with Dean, live with Bobby, kill Sam.

Frankly, those are all pretty awesome. I guess #3, because Dean is hot and Bobby is slightly more awesome than Sam. But wait! Dean would be sad if I killed Sam… Although, hee, it would solve a lot of Dean’s problems. No more angst! I knocked your potentially-evil brother off a cliff, everything’s okay now! Still, though, I don’t like it when Dean cries, so I guess Option 2. I’m not looking forward to living platonically forever with Sam, though. Do I get to ride around with them, hunting things, saving people…you know, the family business? Aaaannnd I hate myself.

For you: Eric, Vince, Ari.

Ta: I would also go with Option 2, but have the same concerns. Also, I mean, I don’t want to live with Sam if he IS going to turn evil and kill me, you know? So that’s worrisome. Yes, you would get to drive around with them. Maybe you can convince Dean to oil the hinges on the car.

Dude, Eric, Vince, and Ari is deceptively hard! Initially, I jumped right to sleep with Vince (pretty!), live with Eric, kill Ari. But Ari is kind of awesome and entertaining. He is also not the most fiscally
responsible though, and we would probably end up out on the street. But I really don’t think I can kill Eric or Vince, you know? But living with Ari would be hilarious! DAMMIT. And then living with Vince would also be pretty great, on account of him being a rich movie star. And he’s kind of a whore. But, well, pretty. So I guess I come full circle, and I will live with Eric, sleep with Vince, and kill Ari. But I am not as happy as I could be about that.

Entourage the second, of course, for you: Turtle, Drama, and Lloyd. Hee!

Ro: Man, that would be an awesome life, except how I would get killed after a few episodes. Seriously, Dean, you can wax and shine that car, but you can’t drop a little oil in those doors? Shameful.

I don’t want to kill Ari, exactly, but I don’t see much choice. He would be awesome to live with for about ten minutes of each day. So I guess I’d do the same thing as you – sleep with Vince, live with Eric, kill Ari. Eric can comfort me when Vince immediately sleeps with eight other girls and forgets my name even though I live in the house with him.

Entourage the second is terrible. You should have seen my face when I came to Lloyd. What I really want is to kill Drama, and to live with Turtle, but that requires me to sleep with Lloyd, and I don’t think either of us would enjoy that. Then again, I really, really want to kill Drama and living with Turtle would be awesome. And the other options require me to kill Lloyd (NOOOOOOO!!!) or live with him (yikes). I don’t think this question is fair, because Lloyd isn’t a real option. I hate you. FINE. I will sleep with Turtle, and live with Lloyd, and kill Drama. That’s ridiculous. I hope you die.

From Blades of Glory (the characters): Chazz Michael Michaels, Jimmy MacElroy, and Stranz Van Waldenberg.

Ta: I think he likes the doors to do that. I don’t know why though.

Poor Lloyd! I know, it’s an awful decision, but I think I am going to sleep with Lloyd (sorry, I am so sorry) so that I can kill Drama and live with Turtle. Drama can cook, which is a bonus, but I don’t think I could take his constant delusions and glory-day reliving. And of course, I really do not want to kill Lloyd. So, I am sleeping with him TO SAVE HIS LIFE. He’ll thank me later.

I don’t think I can do this next cliff game on account of laughing too hard. Hee! I mean, you know Chazz has like 8 STDs, so I am not sleeping with that. I think living with Chazz would be awesome. Stranz is hilariously awesome too, but remember how he seemed stupid? And the kiss! Shudder. So I don’t think I can sleep with him, both because of the incest, and because I really don’t want to kill Jimmy. If I sleep with Jimmy, is Katie going to be mad? Because I definitely don’t want to break them up, in all their adorable lameness. I guess I’ll sleep with Jimmy, live with Chazz, and kill Stranz? I don’t know, I’m not really set on any of those.

For you, from, um, The Prestige? I think. Yeah. Um, Hugh Jackman’s character, the Christian Bale who loved Scarlett, or the Christian Bale who loved his wife.

Ro: I will sleep with Chazz. At least it’ll be quick. Zing! And live with Jimmy and sadly kill Stranz, even though he is awesome.

For The Prestige, I would sleep with the Bale that loved Scarlett, live with the one that loved his wife, and kill Hugh Jackman’s character. He was nuts, even more than the other two (sort of). Also, I assume we are assuming everyone survives the movie and I’m not committing necrophilia or living a Weekend at Uncle Bernie’s type life, right? Right.

For you, the 300! Angry Yelling Gerard Butler (King Leonidas), Creepy Betraying Dominic West (Theron), and Oops Faramir Lost His Eye (Dilios). You’re welcome for not giving you the hunchback. Or the priests. Or Xerxes. (who, by the way, is Paulo on Lost).

Ta: I would do the same for The Prestige. I was going to give you the magicians and Tesla, but then I remembered there were twin/clones, and went that way instead. Not only they do survive the movie, but there are not 45 Hugh Jackmans-in-a-box to choose from. Gross.

THANK YOU. Also, I cannot believe Paulo is Xerxes. I actually checked IMDB because I could not believe that. And because you are a notorious liar.

This really comes down to Leonidas and Dilios – I am definitely going to kill super-creepy asshat Theron. I think living with Leonidas would be pretty awesome – I mean, he’s the king, that is nice. And he seems like an affable, if totally insane, chap. But Dilios is so nice! He would be a good housemate, I bet. But I think I would rather sleep with him and would rather live with him. I guess living with Leonidas could be a problem too, with people trying to usurp him and what not. So..sleep with Leonidas and live with Dilion, and kill Theron.

Since it is almost the time you leave work, I’m calling it.

Ro: Call it all you want! I’m still playing! Anyway, I would do the same thing. Except, because of The Wire, I have conflicted feelings about Theron. Still, he dies.