Best Saturday Night Ever?

Two weeks ago I had to go to DC to coach one of BU’s moot court teams at a competition. Said competition was over by Saturday afternoon, and after spending the afternoon walking around and visiting with an old friend, I decided to camp out in the (fancy) hotel room, get takeout, and watch TV. I really, really like staying in hotels. Also I was coming down with a cold.

Anyway, I went out, found thai food, and came back to start flipping channels. I got to TNT and it appeared that something terrible was on. Something terrible and maybe Japanese? Oh, no, wait! I had happily stumbled upon The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. YES. As any thinking person knows, the final chapter in the F & F series comes out this week. I KNOW! The first two were very entertaining, but I’d skipped Tokyo Drift on account of it seeming totally unrelated to the other two, and lacking the fine acting spectacle of either Paul Walker or Vin Diesel. But now that it was on TV and I had nothing better to do, I decided to watch. And I would like to provide sort of a “liveblog” of what I saw.

The below was written in an email while watching the movie, and only slightly edited for you:

I missed the first 10 minutes but it seems Slackjaw, our hero, is in Tokyo because his dad is in the Navy? People keep accusing him of being an Army brat and he keeps denying it, and then we got a shot of his dad in a Navy sweatshirt. See what they did there? Not really? Me neither.

Slackjaw was eating lunch, and then a sassy black dude befriended him and took him to an underground race at a parking garage. Slackjaw hit on this dude’s girlfriend and then that dude, who is apparently yakuza, was a dick, so Slackjaw decided to solve this problem by agreeing to race him even though he has no car. But wait! Then some other yakuza dude (I am going to call him Candy because he is always eating candy) said Slackjaw could borrow his. This turns out to be a bad idea, as Slackjaw does not know how to “drift” and totally he smashes up Candy’s car.

Slackjaw got home and his dad was mad. “Are you racing? Answer me!” His delivery was WAY too intense. Also for some reason, this is the “last stop” for Slackjaw, and if he gets kicked out he will go to jail? Unclear why.

Candy has decided that Slackjaw can pay his debt (from wrecking Candy’s car) by being his driver sometimes when he goes out to collect money for the yakuza, and also by being the person who has to get the money from people. Some hilarity with a sumo wrestler in a sauna ensues.

That other yakuza guy (Angry Face, that’s his name) is pretty mad that Candy is having Slackjaw do this.

Um, now they are all at school? Sassy friend, Slackjaw, and the girl, anyway. Is it a school for 30 year olds? It must be.

Heart to heart between Candy and Slackjaw. “I have money. What I need around me is trust and character. And one car in exchange for finding out what a man’s made of is a price I can live with.”

Thank GOD. Candy has agreed to teach Slackjaw how to drift. He learns in what appears to be one training session lasting 3-5 hours.

Heart to heart with girl! “I realize now, outsider or insider, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is going after what you really want.”

We just heard the boring story of how Girl learned to drift. Also I think she’s British? And we learned that Slackjaw got his first ticket the day he got his license, and then won his first race the next day.

Uh oh! Angry Face just showed up and started beating the shit out of Slackjaw, I guess because he was hanging out with his girl. Also, we learned earlier that Girl’s mom died when she was two and Angry Face’s grandma took her in (for some unknown reason). So they grew up together, but now are dating. Gross.

Ohhhhh! Girl is trying to break up with Angry Face! Apparently he has changed. Oh! He just accused her mom of being a whore!

But then I guess he let her go, because here she is at the garage where Slackjaw is.
Angry Face’s actually scary Yakuza uncle just showed up to check on business and grab his cash money. He looks like a 20s gangster. And apparently Angry Face’s partner is stealing from them, and he failed to catch it. Yakuza Uncle just gave the WHOLE “for want of a nail” speech. In Japanese. Slowly. With subtitles.

Oh! The partner is Candy. Ok.

Oh! Fight! Angry Face pulled a gun on Candy, and some quick thinking by Sassy Black Friend distracted him long enough for Candy to knock the gun away. Now they are in a car chase through the streets of Tokyo.

It appears that “drifting” is accomplished using the same maneuver you would use in Kart to get blue sparks.

This is the longest, most boring car chase ever. It involves a lot of drifiting, and Slackjaw’s and Candy’s cars are getting pretty messed up! Oh no! Candy just got hit by an unrelated car, HARD. His car flipped. over. Oh shit, it just exploded! He didn’t look good before that happened so I suspect he is dead. Slackjaw and Girl are running away.

Angry Face was waiting for them at Slackjaw’s house, and when Slackjaw and Girl got there, pulled a gun on Slackjaw and tried to make Girl go with him. Slackjaw’s dad showed up in the nick of time and pulled a gun on Angry Face. But then Girl went with him anyway. Slackjaw’s dad wants to send him home but: “I’m responsible for this mess. I gotta do this. Can you understand this?” “Please do not redo my mistakes.” Uh, then Slackjaw walked away. Hey! Thank your dad for saving your LIFE!

Duuuuude, Slackjaw showed up at Yakuza HQ with something for Uncle! Oh, he is returning the money Candy stole. And he is apologizing. For embarrassing himself along with Angry Face. Hee! He is offering a “peaceful solution,” specifically, a race that will settles things once and for all.  The loser will leave town! For good!

For SOME REASON Slackjaw’s dad is helping out with this insane idea by giving his son a Viper car body to use. You know, since Slackjaw wrecked his car as part of the chase that also killed Candy.

I am tired of this Bones commercial.

Dangerous race on curvy road commences. Slackjaw pulls ahead. Angry Face tried to run him off the road.  Kids with cell phones are lined up all down the road shooting video and apparently streaming it to the people waiting at the finish? I don’t think phones work that way, guys. Maybe in Japan? Ok, this race has been on for like 20 minutes. Oh! Angry Face just went off the road, hard, and over a cliff edge. As Slackjaw went around the next bend, Angry Face’s car nearly fell on Slackjaw’s. There was some slow-mo. Uncle says Slackjaw and Girl are free to go. Having learned no lessons, they are hanging out back at the garage where they usually race.

Some was has turned up to challenge the new “Drift King”! He knew Candy! So they will race. Hey, it’s Vin Diesel! Hi!

Fin.

The Golden Compass – a Pre-Review

See, it’s not really a preview, because it’s not going to be that comprehensive. And its not a review because while I have read the book, I don’t really remember it that well. (Ro is going to recognize this conversation as one we totally just had.) I wanted to re-read it before the movie, and also because I do remember that it was awesome. I cried more than once while reading the series. Movies and TV shows do occasionally bring me to tears but books, less often.

Because I remember the book being so amazing, I’m a little worried about the movie. I don’t know that the movie can possibly be as good. And CGI still kind of freaks me out, and Nicole Kidman’s immobile face freaks me out, though I do think she is a good choice for that role (scary and cold? check). But the girl looks right, and I think Daniel Craig, while physically not what I would have pictured, absolutely will play Lord Asriel perfectly.  I really want the movie to both be good and do well, because I want them to keep making fantasy movies.

We’ll see if the book is as good as I remember. I bet yes.

I really need to stop leaving the post-writing til the last minute.

What are all these people doing here?

Our history with the Underworld movies is painful and confusing. Much like the movies themselves (rim shot!).

As sort of a joke, Ro, myself, and our friend EFO (whom I think we’ve actually referred to by name here before, making those initials pointless, but I can’t remember) decided to see Underworld. We figured it would probably suck, but there was a chance it could be awesome. And we really liked Buffy and Angel. We knew it would have vampires, so it seemed worth a shot, I guess. We arrived at the movie theater to find AN ENORMOUS LINE. For Underworld. We stood in that line, trying to talk about the other people in line and why there was a line at all and what the hell they were doing there without them hearing us, since several of them looked to be under the impression that they, themselves, were also vampires. We did not want to be in that line. It was a very shameful experience. And also, as previously mentioned, very confusing. 

And the movie sucked. It was shiny, which is nice, but it made no sense at all. And I love Scott Speedman, and I think he can act if someone is telling him how to act, but he clearly did not have that kind of guidance from the director.

Last year, the year before last…recently they made a sequel. Underworld: Evolution. Having learned our ten-dollar lesson, we did not go see it in the theater. Instead, I forced Ro to watch it on demand. I argued that maybe it would make more sense, or at least maybe it would explain the ending of the first one.

To say that it did not would be generous.

You should rent it however. Or, do what I did: I decided it just was not fair that EFO missed out on our viewing, so I purchased the DVD, with money, and sent it to her for her birthday. Her husband (who liked the first one), was thrilled. EFO was maybe less enthusiastic. But it’s a gift, so she HAS to watch it. See what I did there?

To whet your appetite, I give Ro’s recounting of us watching the sequel (when you watch it, which I know you will, you’ll know exactly what scenes we are talking about):

Me: Wait, why is that happening?
Jen: Um.
Me: But in the first movie, didn’t they find out that…?
Jen: Yes? No, there was that bit with…Um.

Me: Are they in rural Russia? Or…New York City?
Jen: Uh…

Me: So she’s just going to…but won’t that other guy? Wait.
Jen: Hmm.

Me: Oh my God, they are having sex!
Jen: Yikes!
Me: Please make them stop.
Jen: It’s still happening.
Me: I am very uncomfortable.
Jen: It’s still happening.
Me: …
Jen: …
Me: …
Jen: Okay! It’s over! Phew.

Me: I didn’t think we would survive that. Wait, what the hell is he doing now?
Jen: Why didn’t he just open the paint cans?
Me: I hate this movie so much.

Jen: Dude, he’s dead!
Me: He can’t be dead!
Jen: Um!
Me: He’s totally dead, you’re right! Wow.
Jen: Man!
Me: I’m kind of sad!
Jen: Me too! Why did he have to die?
Me: I don’t know!
Jen: Oh, wait, no, he’s fine.
Me: Whatever, movie. Oh, look, a helicopter fell in a well.

The End.

I WIN

Peter Fucking Jackson optioned the dragon books. In your FACE!

Screed

Having watched one hour and twelve minutes of Van Helsing, I feel I am qualified to write numerous insulting things about the entire production. Here goes!

1. Kate Beckinsale, Ta may love you, but I don’t get it, and also your accent. Stop, right now. Oh, you did stop, inexplicably, for this entire scene. Wait, there goes the "accent" again. Also, as far as I can tell you are trying to do "love child of Count Dracula and Count Chocula." It’s not working.

2. I know this is not even in the top 400 problems with this movie, but I can’t believe that a Romanian princess is wandering around in leather pants at the turn of the century. She would be stoned for that, I’m pretty sure. Now that is a movie I would watch.

3. Is Hugh Jackman getting typecast as misfit warrior for good who has amnesia obscuring a dark past?

4. The lady vampires. Vampiresses? Vampresses? Anyway, they were kind of awesome, in the sense that if the movie had been called "Dracula, Polygamist" and was all about being one of the 3-4 wives of the Count, I would be telling everyone I know to watch it. The Draculas were melodramatic and hilarious. I loved them. They were also ridiculous, of course, and not even a little bit scary or threatening, but I was happy to see them when they showed up on screen in belly-dancer outfits, bemoaning their childless states.

5. I couldn’t understand what Kate Beckinsale’s brother’s name was. Falcon? Belkin? Berkin? I hope it wasn’t Berkin.

6. The hair! Everyone’s hair! Hugh Jackman’s hair was magnificent. It had volume and shine, it seemed soft and manageable. I bet the hair and makeup people didn’t know what to do with Kate Beckinsale’s  hair, because if the male lead has longer hair than the female lead Hollywood would fall into the ocean. So they just made her hair like Rapunzel. Plus, it was all in individual curls. Man, Dracula’s hair was also great. Spiky, gelled. He had a surprisingly modern haircut for a supernatural creature born many hundred years ago.

7. I’m pretty sure at one point I saw Jackman check his watch, roll his eyes, and finish the scene.

8. One thing that was genuinely funny is when the monk (actually just a friar, as he points out), sleeps with some town trollop. Although, again, I’m pretty sure people got stoned for that. Both of them.

9. Oh, how Kate Beckinsale’s character longs to see the sea! Oh, the sea! She bets it’s beautiful, but she doesn’t know because she hasn’t see the SEA. THE SEA, which she wants to see. If only she could go to the SEA! The longing! The sea!

10. There are another 54 minutes. I think this is the thing I hate most about Van Helsing. I mean, should I finish it? If it were only 20 minutes, I would. But there’s another HOUR of this travesty. On the other hand, maybe it all comes together and the movie turns out great. Hee!

Millions

I watched the movie Millions today. It was freaking adorable. I mean, I had heard good things about it, but really, it was just great.

A new banner should be up soonish.

Over the course of 24 hours, I decided I need to eat the following things really soon: a good steak dinner, really good mac n’cheese (like Silvertone’s or some such place), dinner at Helmand, and about seven things I cook myself (because I haven’t been cooking at all lately).