Ten rejected blog entry ideas

Idea [Reason for rejection]

1. When is Google going to get rid of the Gmail invites module in my sidebar? [Too Seinfeldian]
2. Figure out which Rolling Stone cover band/musician has sold the fewest albums. [Only interesting to me, too much work]
3. Why are my hands different colors? [I don't want to know the answer. Hand cancer, probably]
4. Something about my cat. [Violates cat talk ban]
5. Cliff game news: Jen made me make out with Paula Abdul. [I don't want to talk about it]
6. American Idol talk: I do not like Adam Lambert’s voice. [I hate things so often that no one cares anymore]
7. What’s life going to be like without cable? [More interesting question is when will I cave and get it? I mean, I have to get internet anyway, it's not THAT much more. Who had "immediately" in the pool?]
8. This morning the cat… [Oops]
9. I totally like music now, you guys! [Everyone else already knows about music]
10. Stuff I invented: grilled cheese, ice cream cake, cardigan over t-shirt, music videos, using a bowl instead of a plate, not putting fabric softener in with the towels, non-vinyl shower curtain liners, cinnamon sugar toast, peeling grapefruit, French, Battlestar Galactica [Jen says I don't know what "invent" means]

Cliff Game: Recently Seen edition

ALERT: Contains mild Blades of Glory and 300 spoilers, and quite large The Prestige spoilers. 

Ta: This was originally called “Recently Netflixed/Frequently TiVoed edition,” but we ended up with some theater movies in here. It turns out, absed on our stats, a lot of people find their way here by Googling “cliff game.” Which is odd, but ok.

Frankly, I only put the TiVoed in there so we could do:

Supernatural characters: Sam, Dean, and Bobby.

Ro: Oh God, that’s impossible! I would be fine with literally any configuration so long as Dean lives and I don’t have to sleep with Bobby. So, let’s see:

Option 1: sleep with Sam, live with Dean, kill Bobby.
Option 2: sleep with Dean, live with Sam, kill Bobby.
Option 3: sleep with Dean, live with Bobby, kill Sam.

Frankly, those are all pretty awesome. I guess #3, because Dean is hot and Bobby is slightly more awesome than Sam. But wait! Dean would be sad if I killed Sam… Although, hee, it would solve a lot of Dean’s problems. No more angst! I knocked your potentially-evil brother off a cliff, everything’s okay now! Still, though, I don’t like it when Dean cries, so I guess Option 2. I’m not looking forward to living platonically forever with Sam, though. Do I get to ride around with them, hunting things, saving people…you know, the family business? Aaaannnd I hate myself.

For you: Eric, Vince, Ari.

Ta: I would also go with Option 2, but have the same concerns. Also, I mean, I don’t want to live with Sam if he IS going to turn evil and kill me, you know? So that’s worrisome. Yes, you would get to drive around with them. Maybe you can convince Dean to oil the hinges on the car.

Dude, Eric, Vince, and Ari is deceptively hard! Initially, I jumped right to sleep with Vince (pretty!), live with Eric, kill Ari. But Ari is kind of awesome and entertaining. He is also not the most fiscally
responsible though, and we would probably end up out on the street. But I really don’t think I can kill Eric or Vince, you know? But living with Ari would be hilarious! DAMMIT. And then living with Vince would also be pretty great, on account of him being a rich movie star. And he’s kind of a whore. But, well, pretty. So I guess I come full circle, and I will live with Eric, sleep with Vince, and kill Ari. But I am not as happy as I could be about that.

Entourage the second, of course, for you: Turtle, Drama, and Lloyd. Hee!

Ro: Man, that would be an awesome life, except how I would get killed after a few episodes. Seriously, Dean, you can wax and shine that car, but you can’t drop a little oil in those doors? Shameful.

I don’t want to kill Ari, exactly, but I don’t see much choice. He would be awesome to live with for about ten minutes of each day. So I guess I’d do the same thing as you – sleep with Vince, live with Eric, kill Ari. Eric can comfort me when Vince immediately sleeps with eight other girls and forgets my name even though I live in the house with him.

Entourage the second is terrible. You should have seen my face when I came to Lloyd. What I really want is to kill Drama, and to live with Turtle, but that requires me to sleep with Lloyd, and I don’t think either of us would enjoy that. Then again, I really, really want to kill Drama and living with Turtle would be awesome. And the other options require me to kill Lloyd (NOOOOOOO!!!) or live with him (yikes). I don’t think this question is fair, because Lloyd isn’t a real option. I hate you. FINE. I will sleep with Turtle, and live with Lloyd, and kill Drama. That’s ridiculous. I hope you die.

From Blades of Glory (the characters): Chazz Michael Michaels, Jimmy MacElroy, and Stranz Van Waldenberg.

Ta: I think he likes the doors to do that. I don’t know why though.

Poor Lloyd! I know, it’s an awful decision, but I think I am going to sleep with Lloyd (sorry, I am so sorry) so that I can kill Drama and live with Turtle. Drama can cook, which is a bonus, but I don’t think I could take his constant delusions and glory-day reliving. And of course, I really do not want to kill Lloyd. So, I am sleeping with him TO SAVE HIS LIFE. He’ll thank me later.

I don’t think I can do this next cliff game on account of laughing too hard. Hee! I mean, you know Chazz has like 8 STDs, so I am not sleeping with that. I think living with Chazz would be awesome. Stranz is hilariously awesome too, but remember how he seemed stupid? And the kiss! Shudder. So I don’t think I can sleep with him, both because of the incest, and because I really don’t want to kill Jimmy. If I sleep with Jimmy, is Katie going to be mad? Because I definitely don’t want to break them up, in all their adorable lameness. I guess I’ll sleep with Jimmy, live with Chazz, and kill Stranz? I don’t know, I’m not really set on any of those.

For you, from, um, The Prestige? I think. Yeah. Um, Hugh Jackman’s character, the Christian Bale who loved Scarlett, or the Christian Bale who loved his wife.

Ro: I will sleep with Chazz. At least it’ll be quick. Zing! And live with Jimmy and sadly kill Stranz, even though he is awesome.

For The Prestige, I would sleep with the Bale that loved Scarlett, live with the one that loved his wife, and kill Hugh Jackman’s character. He was nuts, even more than the other two (sort of). Also, I assume we are assuming everyone survives the movie and I’m not committing necrophilia or living a Weekend at Uncle Bernie’s type life, right? Right.

For you, the 300! Angry Yelling Gerard Butler (King Leonidas), Creepy Betraying Dominic West (Theron), and Oops Faramir Lost His Eye (Dilios). You’re welcome for not giving you the hunchback. Or the priests. Or Xerxes. (who, by the way, is Paulo on Lost).

Ta: I would do the same for The Prestige. I was going to give you the magicians and Tesla, but then I remembered there were twin/clones, and went that way instead. Not only they do survive the movie, but there are not 45 Hugh Jackmans-in-a-box to choose from. Gross.

THANK YOU. Also, I cannot believe Paulo is Xerxes. I actually checked IMDB because I could not believe that. And because you are a notorious liar.

This really comes down to Leonidas and Dilios – I am definitely going to kill super-creepy asshat Theron. I think living with Leonidas would be pretty awesome – I mean, he’s the king, that is nice. And he seems like an affable, if totally insane, chap. But Dilios is so nice! He would be a good housemate, I bet. But I think I would rather sleep with him and would rather live with him. I guess living with Leonidas could be a problem too, with people trying to usurp him and what not. So..sleep with Leonidas and live with Dilion, and kill Theron.

Since it is almost the time you leave work, I’m calling it.

Ro: Call it all you want! I’m still playing! Anyway, I would do the same thing. Except, because of The Wire, I have conflicted feelings about Theron. Still, he dies.

Ro is going to kill me

I am procrastinating from making my own TV Boyfriends list by posting this Non-Humans round of the cliff game we played yesterday.

Ro: Cliff game, Abstract Edition: Tomorrow, Next Year, Two Years Ago. It’s a thinker!

Ta: Man. Live with tomorrow, sleep with next year, and thrown two years ago off a cliff? that was hard! and made no sense!

Hee, continuing in this vein, categories of art! Abstract, Impressionist, Surrealist.

Ro: I would have lived with next year, slept with today, and thrown two years ago off a cliff. It makes perfect sense! Regarding art, I would live with Abstract, have sex with Impressionist, and kill Surrealist. I think it’s the only way to go.

Okay, scientific theories: Newtonian physics, String theory, and Evolution.

Ta: Hee, I agree wholeheartedly on your art decisions. But for your time ones – today wasn’t an option, tomorrow was. So there.

Oooh, I like it. I would live with string theory, sleep with evolution, throw Newtonian physics off a cliff. Living with string theory would be all fun and crazy and confusing!

Speaking of evolution – creation theories: Intelligent design, creationism, and Darwinian evolution.

Ro: Hee. I was totally wrong about the time things. I guess I would still do the same and sleep with tomorrow. Tomorrow is hot.

I don’t think I could live with string theory – I would never understand what it was doing or saying or why it can’t vacuum the floors every once in a while (11th dimension my ass). So I’d probably sleep with it (hee!), and kill evolution. I’d like to hang out with Newtonian physics, because it’s so simple and almost right. So close!

Regarding creation theories, which is awesome, I would sleep with intelligent design, live with Darwinian evolution, and kill creationism (who’s God now? I’d say). I don’t feel good about sleeping with intelligent design, but I don’t see a better choice. That’s a tough one.

I give you unusual religions: Mormonism, Scientology, and Amish-ism-ish.

Ta: I think I would sleep with evolution again, and live with ID, because I think it would be really funny to harrass ID all the time. But I see your logic.

Ooooh, yours is nice. And really, really hard. Ok. Well, I am going to kill the Amish-ism-er because it would be BO-ring to live with and I couldn’t have electricity and shit, and I am pretty sure Amish sex might be boring, too. Right? So I guess I would, uh, sleep with Mormonism and live with Scientology. I know! But living with Scientology could be fun in the way I think living with ID might be fun, and I don’t want to live with Mormonism because there would be too many people over all the time. Hee!

Ok. Breakfast foods (fancy-ish breakfast foods). French Toast. Omelet. Eggs Benedict.

Ro: Hee. This is fun. I think you are right about Amish sex. Then again, it would be funny and awesome if the Amish had the best sex. Someone should do a study. I’m sure the Amish would be happy to discuss this with researchers. Anyway, this one is really hard, you are right. My first impulse is to sleep with Amish-ness, since I don’t want to kill it or live with it. But then I have to live with one of the others, you know? I guess in the end I would do what you did. I would keep a lot of clams around and taunt the Scientology with them. How did we get from CLAMS to PEOPLE, again?

Breakfast foods: I would make sweet love to Eggs Benedict, live with Omelet, and kill French Toast. Mainly because I think an Omelet can be interesting every day, with different fillings, open-faced, frittata, etc.

For you, types of aliens I just made up: Oozes sweet smelling purple stuff that doesn’t stain and evaporates quickly; Constantly bounces ever so slightly; can only say "kelp" but is entirely understandable via inflection.

Ta: I think I would live with Eggs Benedict, because that is how much I love it. I really like french toast, too. So I am going to sleep with it. Unexpectedly, I would kill the omelet. I think I am just having a weird and rare sweet-tooth day though.

You are a strange girl. I will sleep with the bouncing thing, live with kelp (hee!) and kill the purple oozer. I don’t like ooze, even if it smells ok and doesn’t stain.

Ok, last one, because then I should really work before I leave. Flowers! Tulips, roses, and orchids.

Ro: Hmm. I think I would do the same thing you did with the aliens. Coming up with aliens was fun. I think the word "ooze" ruined things for that alien.

I would sleep with orchids, live with tulips, and kill roses. I’m going to leave now, and it’s going to be great.

Ta: (I never responded via email, but I am now!) I would do the same thing! Orchids are fussy, so I don’t want to live them, you know? I really like tulips and they come in a lot of colors, so they would be nice to live with.

FIN.

Cliff Game Greatest Hits

I was reading bla’s comment about how the cliff game invariably turns to the people you are playing with, or people you know. The best cliff game Ta and our friends ever played concerned each other’s parents.

It was totally gross, and awesome.

"I can’t believe you wouldn’t sleep with my dad."

Cliff Game

Rota is going to let you in on our favorite game in the whole world. The Cliff Game. Also known as Marry, Kill, Screw. It’s a variation on Death is Not An Option. You select three people. They can be characters from movies, books, TV, etc. They can be actors. They can be people you know. You can point to three people on the street. They can be dead or alive, and you can even select people of certain eras (i.e., Star Wars-era Harrison Ford v. Air Force One Harrison v. Firewall Harrison, or whatever). They should be of the same gender, as a general matter. It’s also nice to go with a theme.

So you name three people, and everyone has to say who they would have sex with (one time), who they would live platonically with forever (so you can’t even sleep with them, you live in a house together), and who they would chuck over a cliff. If you’ve chosen three different people, it’s interesting to see what different people do. It’s also fun to choose three awful gross people or three attractive and awesome people and force your friends to make terrible, heart- (or gut-) wrenching choices.

To demonstrate, Ro and I played the game via email. And I am posting the results.

THE CLIFF GAME

Ro: Young Turks Edition: Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger. Fight!

Ta: Sleep with Jake, live with Heath, kill Tobey.  Really I would probably sleep with Heath but I don’t really want to live with Jake, so.

Hee, Project Runway edition (I am so sorry): Santino, Andre, and…Daniel.

Ro: First of all, which Daniel?

I would have killed Jake, slept with Tobey and lived with Heath. Here’s why: I am, unexpectedly, irrationally, attached to Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams’s adorable couplehood and tiny baby. So much so that I’m not willing to pretend sleep with him in a game. And I just plain old don’t like Jake Gyllenhaal. I don’t know why.

Ta: Sorry, crazy Daniel that was kicked off early. Of COURSE.

Ro: Oh, Daniel Franco, who isn’t at all gay, why would you think that? Kiss kiss!

I would (shudder) sleep with Daniel Franco, (shudder) live with Andre, and push Santino off a cliff. What would you do?

More Project Runway: Nick, Guy With Stick Up Ass (Emmett??), and Raymundo. Raymundo’s sort of a gimme, I know.

Ta: I hate your new terrible PR cliff game. It’s worse than mine! I would do the same thing you would have done with the other three, shuddering all the while, of course.

Ugh, ok, sleep with Emmett "I design menswear, OK," live with Nick (as long as I can punch his face every day) and KILL Raymundo. Though, Raymundo might have been entertaining as a housemate, for a while.

Ro: Raymundo’s voice would have driven me off a cliff within 20 minutes. I would do the same thing as you did. I can’t get the image of Emmett in that pink skater costume wearing that lame hat trying to look dignified instead of like a big douche in a skater outfit. So yeah, ugh.

It’s your turn, lame-o.

Ta: Hee, Project Runway non-current-contestants: Michael Kors, Tim Gunn, Jay.

Ro: You know, these Project Runway ones are hard because everyone seems gay.

I think I’ll sleep with Tim Gunn, live with Jay, and kill Kors. Kill Kors is the name of my thrash metal band. I can’t stand the dripping disdain in Michael Kors’s voice every time he speaks.

You answer, too! And another one: Oscar Nominees: Joaquin Phoenix (boy, there are a lot of vowels in that), Terrence Howard, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Ta: I want to live with Tim Gunn so so bad. Bad enough that I am considering sleeping with Kors or Jay. Hrm…Yeah. Yeah, I am gonna sleep with Jay (EWEWEWEWEWEW), kill Kors, and live with Tim Gunn. It was worth it, I tells ya.

Sleep with Joaquin, live with Philip Seymour Hoffman, kill Terrence.

Hee! actors playing superheroes in new/upcoming movies: Christian Bale, Brandon Ress, and Nic Cage (he’s playing Ghostrider, right?).

Ro: I would do the same, on the Oscar people.

I think you mean Brandon Routh – Superman? I would kill Cage, sleep with Routh, and live with Bale. Those two are a close call, but I think Bale’s English accent would please me.

Ta: I did mean that! I was too lazy to look it up.

I would do the same!

END SCENE