At Hornby’s Suggestion, #2

Romeo & Juliet versus Jeopardy

Entertainment: I love Jeopardy, but I’ve noticed that I never watch an entire episode – I start thinking about what’s on the other channels (The Simpsons, actually), and who cares about Medieval Art, and Trebek’s talking to the contestants again, ugh. It’s great commercial break fodder, though, and I like getting to yell “Mandible! The Yangtze! 1066! David Duchovny! Lasso!” and so on. Plus, I am the world’s greatest guesser. I don’t know anything, but in front of Jeopardy I am a genius. I suspect it’s because I have exactly one piece of information for each category. For any question involving the word “boxer” I will said “Mohammed Ali,” and I will be right 9 times out of 10. This gives me an edge because I can answer right away without any of that messy thinking that the contestants waste time with. I know exactly one thing about China, and one thing about baking, and one thing about Ancient Rome. My brain is very simple.

             Romeo and Juliet is entertaining, yes, but it’s very familiar. I read something somewhere (reason #18 I am not an academic – all the plagiarism) about how the great movies of the 1970s don’t play as well nowadays when we re-watch them because every movie since has taken all the innovations and run them into the ground. So the nifty camera angles are unimpressive because Michael Bay looked at that, said, Hmm… and then ran a camera underwater, through a shark’s digestive track, into a working cell, and then into the viewer’s own mind, you know? The same thing is true with R&J (as we theater buffs call it, when we feel like getting punched in the eyes) – Shakespeare wrote this story a million years ago, and basically every romance since is based on it. It’s like vanilla ice cream: it’s a little boring after the New York Super Fudge Chunk. Also, the ending is kind of an eye-roller. Hee!

Art: While I might be able to argue that the escalation from the first round to Double Jeopardy to Final Jeopardy has a certain mathematical beauty to it, I’m not high right now, so…

Desert Island: I’m going to assume that I would get a fresh episode of Jeopardy every day, or at least enough that I wouldn’t remember the questions by the time it cycled around again. But even with that caveat I think Romeo and Juliet still wins.

            For one thing, questions about civilization would be kind of a tease as I sat there staring at the endless expanse of deadly ocean. Also, one of my greatest fears about being on a desert island is thinking of some question and not being able to ever think of the answer and slowly going mad. Like who was the other guy in WHAM!, and which Bronte wrote Wuthering Heights, and what year did E.T. come out. Can you imagine if you could never find out? I worry that Jeopardy would create this problem every day.

            Also, I could act out R&J with coconuts and palm tree fronds and horseshoe crabs, after I go crazy because I can’t remember the words to Karma Chameleon (it’s just “karma chameleon over and over, right?).

Winner: Romeo & Juliet. Loser: Pop culture, for once.

At Hornby’s Suggestion

In one of his "What I’m Reading Now" columns in The Believer, Hornby argued that books are better than other media in almost all cases – like War and Peace versus Meatloaf’s Bat Out of Hell. Tolstoy’s taking that one home. Hornby admitted a few exceptions, like maybe The Sopranos beats The Good Earth or whatever. But mainly books are tops. Or are they?

Howard’s End versus Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)

Entertainment: First, Buffy has vampires, which Howard’s End sure could have used. Second, Howard’s End was slow-going for the first 150 pages or so, whereas Buffy starts with the kicky theme music.

Art: A close call, actually. Howard’s End is clearly art, but Buffy was about death and loss, corruption, inner strength, hope, good and evil… Howard’s End was often about the stresses of the idle rich.

Desert Island: Definitely Buffy – more hours, more shiny, more characters, more stories, plus I could learn kung-fu, probably.

Winner: Buffy. Loser: No one loses! Even E.M. Forster would have loved Buffy! It’s got everything!

The Great Gatsby versus Law & Order

Entertainment: L&O is entertainment crack. I watched 13 episodes in a row once.

Art: I don’t think anyone has ever referred to L&O as art, artsy, artistic, artish, artlike, or artastic.

Desert Island: Well, my first instinct was Law & Order, but I worry about getting bored. Every episode is basically the same. And by "basically" I mean "exactly, right down to the commercial breaks." Then again, I think Gatsby is probably just as boring after the third time you read it that first week on the desert island. And the symbolism is clunky, and it’s overrated entirely, and I kind of hate everyone in it.

Winner: Law & Order. Loser: My high school English teacher.

The Babysitters’ Club versus Saved By The Bell

Entertainment: Yes.

Art: No.

Desert Island: Saved By The Bell, for the Zack.

Winner: Saved By The Bell. Loser: Stacy’s stupid diabetes.