Who’s stupid now?

It’s me!

What do YOU think might have possessed me, six months ago, to think, “Yes, I think in November I would like to get up at 6:20 in the morning for a 7am dentist appointment. Schedule that right up, please, Gentle Dental receptionist lady.”

THAT IS NOT A NICE WAY TO START YOUR MORNING. In fact, it is one of the worst ways to start your morning, someone poking around in your mouth, judging you. And you are kind of lying down, but you can’t fall asleep, but you want to! And the chatting! I don’t like to chat before coffee. I definitely do not like to chat before coffee with someone poking at my mouth. Man.

Dear Only if We Can Keep the To-Scale Model of the Acropolis Made from Cheese. Stinky Cheese.

What a coincidence, I am also about to have a roommate again. I REALLY liked living alone, and my pet snakes liked it, too. It will certainly be an adjustment.

I would start off by trying to be the first one to move in. That way, you can put all your crap in your roommate’s room, and hide stuff in her closets. Snakes love closets, for example. You can also paint all the rooms the colors of your choice, and put up your naked paintings everywhere – that way, it will feel like home to you, and your roommate won’t have a choice because it will already be done.  You should find a nice, central location for your model of the Death Star, like right in the middle of your roommate’s living room.  She’ll appreciate the gesture.

Since you hate human contact, you should make sure that all doors shut well, and just slam them in your roommate’s face whenever she so much as walks by the door.  In no time, you will have her trained to avoid coming anywhere near your rooms.

I find that cooking strong-smelling foods that other people find disgusting is an excellent way to make your new place feel like home while driving your roommate out of the kitchen, thus leaving you plenty of room for your housewares.

Finally, you should set the thermostat to the temperature you find to be the most comfortable, then break the thermostat.

Hope this helps!

Ta

Dear Ta,

I’m about to have a roommate again after two blissful years living alone. I know I’ll miss some things – cooking naked, cleaning naked, watching TV naked, and so on. And I’ll have less space for my stuff – the model I made of the Death Star from beer cans, my "potted plant," my self-portraits (naked), and my power tools. Plus, I hate all human contact.

Any advice on how to make a smooth transition?

Sincerely,

Can We Keep The Death Star?

Thanks, Ro!

I stopped at the store on the way home and bought 6 pallets of Diet Coke! Thank goodness I wrote to you, I was clearly eating too much protein and too many vegetables!

Dear Soon To Be Single,

You have two problems: You are out of shape, and your boyfriend is a liar. Trust me, if you can tell you’ve put on a few pounds, he can tell, and he’s telling all his friends about your huge ass. I don’t know why he would claim you still look good. (Maybe he’s cheating? Check his outgoing calls!) You and I both know that you don’t look good. Here’s my diet and exercise advice:

Breakfast: 1 Diet Coke
Lunch: 1 Diet Coke, 1 half Snickers
Dinner: 2 Diet Cokes, Hot Pocket

Exercise: It sounds like you  haven’t exercised in a while, so tomorrow I’d get up early and run about 5 miles. If there are any hills around, that’s where you want to run. Don’t drink the breakfast Diet Coke before the run. It’ll be very refreshing afterward. Now, it’s not going to be easy to run 5 miles tomorrow morning, but it’s going to be even worse to run 5 miles tomorrow night, which I also recommend. That ass isn’t going to melt itself away!

Do this regimen every day for 2 weeks or until you look hot again. Then apologize to your boyfriend for getting out of shape and promise him it won’t happen again. Also, and I only mention this because I’ve had a few reader complaints, you might want to see a doctor after your two week regimen. Ask him about "scurvy" – he’ll know what you mean.

Dear Ro,

I have a desk job and I work long hours. I’m getting really out of shape! My boyfriend says I look great, but I know it’s not true. What should I do? I’m really at a loss here. Thanks!

Thanks, Ta!

That sounds like a wonderful plan. Totally unrelatedly, let’s get dinner next week. There’s something I’d like to talk about.

Dear I was a Stupid Bet

First of all, did you ever think that maybe she doesn’t really like you either? Ironic!

I find that sometimes, friendships have a lifespan. But sometimes, one friend doesn’t "get it." How to cut them loose? I think your best option here is to make plans and then stand her up. Repeatedly. After a few weeks of this, when she finally calls you on it, you should make plans to go to dinner. Then, just after your food arrives, you should explain everything to her: that you were just hanging out because of a bet, and that the last 8 years have been a lie, and you don’t like her, never have! Then leave, without leaving her any money.

The total destruction of her self-esteem will ensure that she stops trying to make plans with you.

Dear Ta,

I don’t usually write into advice columns like this, but I could really use a second (or third, or fourth) opinion on this. It’s about my best friend, who we’ll call, um…"Sta." Sta and I have been friends a long time, but I never really liked her. I sort of started hanging out with her on a bet, and now, eight years later, she keeps calling me and asking me to go to the movies and stuff. I just can’t shake her! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Ro