SNL Actually Made Me Laugh

Short post, and late to boot (though can you really call it late when really it’s more like I just skipped two posts last week entirely?).  Work has been very worky, and will continue to be so for a bit, though I will try to be less sporadic.

Anyway, yes, I watch SNL still, largely for Weekend Update and the very occasional laugh. But this weekend, the delightful and BRITISH Hugh Laurie was hosting, and it was really good. Not just because it was actually funny, it was just better than it usually is, all around.

I think all I ate this weekend was Chinese food, in various states of leftoverness.

The Benjamin is VERY FANCY.

I’m thinking of getting some long bangs.

The lightbulbs in my living room are too bright.

Links – All Comics, All Awesome (with bonus twist ending!)

1. Dinosaur Comics. The Platonic ideal of all webcomics. Off the top of my head, here are five things I love about Dinosaur Comics: (1) Ryan manages to write something new using the same image every day; (2) exclamation points (this recent comic deals with just that issue, in fact!); (3) the way that T-Rex’s casual murder of that tiny woman is almost never mentioned; (4) the guest strips (one series in 2005, starting there, and another in 2003, starting here); and (5) the flyover jokes.

2. Nedroid (via Dinosaur Comics). Nedroid, as far as I can tell, draws random comics, including a series featuring Beartato (a bear/potato). Nedroid also has a livejournal, which seems to have more comics and drawings than the website. I have a few favorites. This one explores the dangers of ketchup. This one explores the delights of hiding in bushes. His livejournal currently features a high robot quotient. Awesome!

3. Exploding Dog. This one is kind of hard to explain. Readers send in titles, and he draws a comic from them. They often turn out funny, or sad, but mainly surreal. A few recent ones I like: you guys make me happy, this is what I was put on earth to do, it was a long time ago but I still think about it, and I thought we had discussed this. 

4. The Perry Bible Fellowship. Master of the twist ending. Here are a few of my favorites: No One is Thirsty, Missing Grandfather, Prank Dragon, Dinosaur Meteors, and QPI Interview (that one is maybe only funny to me).

5. Read a book, for Christ’s sake.

And Yet, I Have Normal Blood Pressure

I like food, and I like all kinds of food, running the gamut from
spaghettios and hot pockets to foie gras and . . . other fancy foods.
Thai, Indian, French, American, Mexican, Ethiopian, whatever. But there are some
foods, or "foods," that I like but which I fully recognize other people
find to be disgusting.

SPAM! And . . . Turkey SPAM! Spam is, quite simply, delicious. I really just eat it the one way – sliced up and then fried in a frying pan. So I cannot speak to how it is just out of the Spam-can, or smashed up and cooked some other way. But fried, it makes the most amazing sandwich, and is particularly excellent over rice, which cuts the saltiness nicely. It is salty in a way that is almost, somehow, cloying in the way that overly-sweet frosting is cloying. But with salt. And it gets so crispy, I assume because it is frying in its own Spam-fat. Turkey Spam is quite a bit less terrible for you, and tastes nearly as fattening and salty-delicious. I know it’s gross. I know it  lasts forever, and that can’t be good. I don’t care. I will admit that I only eat it once every 3 years or so, however. Gross Level: 11.

Slim Jims. Only the thin, original-flavored kind though. I will gladly snap into a Slim Jim if one is offered. I don’t buy them regularly, though they do make a delightful addition to a movie night snack-fest, the kind stocked, if at all possible, by taking a trip to the local variety of "mart." It can be deceptively difficult to open the package, and if it is a long Slim Jim, it is then very hard to control the wrapper and keep it from getting Slim Jim oil all over the damn place. Gross Level: 7.

Deviled Ham. Oh, deviled ham. Like Spam, you are something that my dad thought it was ok to eat, and ok for his children to eat (my dad also used to put salt into Campbell’s chicken soup, so, not a great judge of appropriate saltiness levels). Anyway, deviled ham comes in a little tin, like tuna, wrapped in white paper. I don’t know why they wrap the tin, which also has a little key to open it, in paper. That seems really unnecessary. Deviled ham just has the one use really: it should be spread into a sandwich, and there should be nothing else in the sandwich. It’s just minced ham and some spices, but it is truly sinful (GET IT)? I hate myself, a little. Anyway. Gross Level: 2.

Egg Salad. YUM. The love of the egg salad comes from my mom, who loves herself a good sandwich of something she had to actually make. I prefer mine to have either very finely chopped eggs or pretty big pieces, not middle-of-the-road. I go light on the mayo, I throw in a bit of mustard and some paprika. If it’s a more plain variety, I like it on a sourdough bread sandwich with a little salt and pepper, and a lot of iceberg lettuce. Brigham’s makes, or made, a super-perfect egg salad sandwich. I understand why not everyone loves the egg salad, though: it does smell like egg yolks, and does not look particularly appealing. Gross Level: 3.

Pork Rinds. Let me make it clear: I have never, and never plan to, actually purchase pork rinds. But I do confess that I have eaten them when they have been in my presence. I’m actually not terribly proud of this one, so we’ll move on. Gross Level: 9.

Steak-Umms. I loved Steak-Umms when I was a kid, and my mom was willing to buy them, and the babysitters were willing to make them. They were really, really terrible for you, but as I recall, they were not in and of themselves particularly flavorful. Some American cheese cleared that right up though. Gross Level: 1.

I know there are more, so many more, foods that I love that are actually kind of gross. But I think is sufficient to make people kind of ill.

Important Questions

Yeah, I skipped my Sunday entry. WHAT OF IT? I was still on vacation time, plus, recent personal events have made me not feel like being very interesting (which is true, but was also, oddly, articulated in just that way on Studio 60 last night). This entry may not be all that interesting either, but I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about this last night.

Today, I want to talk to you about America’s most unlikely funny man: Brian Williams. Ok, maybe "most unlikely" is an exaggeration, as there are certainly many, many unfunny people in America. It is still surprising that he has turned up on SNL and on the recent autism telethon, the hilariously-named "Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education." Apart from the fact that his dry, serious-news-anchor delivery turned out to be excellent when put to telling jokes, his willingness to make fun of his own job is very charming.

Are all news anchors secretly funny? If so, where does that come from? You would think most news anchors would take themselves too seriously, given their weird, self-important job.

I assume Brian became besties with Jon Stewart after appearing on his show when he took over for Brokaw, but that doesn’t really explain the SNL appearance. And how do the NBC Nightly News producers feel about his comedic stylings? I suppose fine, since SNL is on the same network.

Semi-relatedly, in that references to it constantly appear in my life: Why is the very idea or mention of Ladysmith Black Mambazo (including in the NOTMS:AOBFA) is so freaking funny. I mean, now it’s just funny to me because they keep popping up. It’s odd for a specific group to become an actual comedic device though.

FYI

See Ro Read has moved to WordPress.

Bits!

I have returned to America! Here are some things.

1) I had a lot of TV to watch when I got back. I am mostly caught up, down to just this week’s Wednesday and Thursday shows. It’s been hard, I’m not going to lie. Some stuff had better start getting canceled, or I will never be able to leave the apartment again.

2) On my flight from Barcelona to France, I sat next to the cousin of the character Janice from Friends. She was such an Ugly American, and coupled with her annoying voice, that made for a very cringe-y flight for me. No ice for her water? The French! Sigh.

3) Barcelona was very clean. They had people out in tiny cars doing trash collection and street cleaning all the time. In contrast to the cleanliness, there was a lot of graffiti.

4) I have a terrible cold. HF suggested that it was the Spanish Flu.

5) The subway was incredibly easy to use. The city as a whole was very navigable. But the commuter rail type train was impossible to figure out, which is unfortunate, since that is how you get to the airport.

6) In Barcelona, I ordered fisherman’s paella, since the city is proud
of its seafood. It came with two whole prawns, and two whole things
that looked like tiny lobsters (I think they were langostinos). I
didn’t want to be rude, so I felt I had to eat one of each. I had no
idea how to disassemble them, but I managed. It was really gross. Don’t click on that thumbnail unless you are ok with sea creatures.

7) Something I did not order in Barcelona, but wanted to: Plate of Ham. Really, it’s a plate of jamon de pais, which is really more like prosciutto. Just a plate of it, laid out in one layer.

Barcelona may be clean, but sometimes, not so much with the people. I mean, anywhere in Europe really, you are likely to encounter some serious B.O. (Here, too, of course, especially on places like the train, so that you can’t escape.) Universality does not make it less stinky though.

9) People dressed very casually in Barcelona, surprisingly so, given the excellent shopping and proximity to Paris. Lots of jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, etc. And all the women wore flats! I really saw maybe 10 pairs of heels, and usually that was boots. But the hair. My greatest regret is not getting a picture of the hair. Two major "styles:" Dying your head one of two shades of unnatural red (orangey or purplish), or giving yourself a streaky, overly-layered longish mullet. Even more confusing was that only half of the women had done either of these, which means that they looked at all the other ladies with their lovely, simply cut hair, often brunette, often wavy, and thought: "I mean, that looks ok, but I think I should cut off great hunks of mine and dye it with cranberry juice."

10) The big, semi-open-air markets were cool, and filled with all these beautiful and interesting fruits, candy, peppers, spices, and vegetables. And then I saw a cow’s head.

I Suck!

Unpacking today, I found an old
journal. It’s dated "Late ‘94" meaning I was 13-14 years old. In it I
found a list entitled: Things to Do IN THE SUMMER!

• Collages galore
• Go for a walk to 7-11 for an Evian
• Call [cousin]
• Call [friends]
• Call [favorite aunt]
• Get a tan
• Read a worthless novel
• Essay on the decline of America
• Read, read read
• Decline something
• Write to [friends]
• Paint toenails red
• Dance
• Logic problems
• Talk to [little brother]
• Go on swings
• Develop a crush
• Find new methods of self-expression
• Redecorate
• Play the piano (need practice)
• Factor something
• Laugh for no good reason

Comments:
I’m kind of speechless. Reading this, I can’t imagine how I wasn’t the victim of a vicious hate crime.

Decline of America - I sincerely hope
that essay was for school. Otherwise, why was I thinking about the
decline of America? What did I have to say on the topic? "Not enough
gummi products?"

Evian? EVIAN?

Worthless novel – I must have
developed some rarified literary tastes when I was TWELVE. How
refreshing that I was willing to lower myself in deference to the heat
of summer.

New methods of self-expression – There
is nothing I can add to that. It’s pure genius. I will never say
something that funny again so long as I live. Imagine this:

Mom: Hey, hon, what are you going to do today while I’m at work?
Me: Well, I thought I’d paint my toenails then really buckle down and find some new methods of self-expression.
Mom: Okay, don’t forget the dishwasher is full.
Me: Kay!

Laugh for no good reason – Hee! This
is awesome. Just image me, only tiny, and my glasses are huge, and I’m
taking my summer logic problems VERY SERIOUSLY. Then I look up, and
think, ‘Wait. It’s summer. I can let loose a little. Hah. H-hah? Ha!
Ha! Ha ha ha! Okay, that’s done. Now, onto Latin.’

This list is embarrassing, yes. But
it’s also encouraging. For one thing, I no longer have to wonder why I
didn’t have any friends as a kid. Mystery solved! Also, it’s comforting
that I’ve already BEEN a huge pretentious douchebag!
I already hit rock bottom, when I planned a summer activity involving
factoring! I’m so much more fun than I was when I was 13 – who else can
really say that? I’m getting younger! Granted, I know depths of
self-loathing I didn’t suspect possible, but that’s okay.

I’m going to go punch myself in the face now. Bye!

Dear American Eagle

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Last night, Ro and I were sitting down to watch the TV offerings of the day I like to call Awesome Tuesday. On Awesome Tuesday, the CW gives us Gilmore Girls, followed by the unspeakably incredible Veronica Mars. (Seriously: It’s not like I forget how great a show it is, but every time it comes back from an absence I actually feel how great, funny, smart, sweet, scary, and perfect it is. It’s as though it impossible to really hold in one’s mind how good a show it is, because part of the goodness is actually a visceral reaction of joy that I have while watching it, and you can’t really recreate that feeling in your mind when the show is off the air for a while. Yeah, that’s right, all that over a TV show.)

Obviously, I feel really strongly about these shows, VM in particular. Because they are, at times (GG in particular), girly shows, dramas involving discussions of the dreaded "feelings," shoes, hair, etc. Everyone is pretty and shiny and on GG there are minimal car crashes and explosions (though in the season premiere, that was not true). VM actually has a fair bit of action and suspense, though if you don’t watch it 1) start, 2) you won’t believe me until you do. But Ro’s enjoyment of these fine programs is a testament to the fact that they are so much more than girl-dramas, and in fact, they aren’t even really girl-dramas at all.

Which is why it was so appalling to see the the CW had placed, at random commercial breaks, some sort of short . . . thing featuring a bunch of girls sitting around a sectional sofa in their casual best, talking about the shows. I died inside. It is already nigh impossible to convince people to watch these shows if they do not already. THIS WILL NOT HELP. Ro termed it insipid, and she is not wrong. It was. A little research this morning on on the Interwebs (yes, I am leaving on vacation in like 6 hours, shut up) revealed that this is some sort of devil-inspired collaboration between the CW and American Eagle, purveyor of surprisingly good jeans. (Really, try them out, they are great, and cheap!) It is called "Aerie Tuesdays," and apparently, it is meant to make me want to buy clothes from AE’s new line of clothes.

Problems ABOUND, people. The first of many is that while I am sure that these shows do draw a fairly large audience from the girl-teen population, they also draw a good number of smarty-pants 20- and 30-somethings. Moreover, having these terrible Aerie Girls moments? Not going to expand and grow that audience, CW! The shows don’t have stellar ratings, and any guy just tuning in at the behest of his girlfriend or wife or friend is going to take one look at these girls chatting and giggling and RUN AWAY. As he should.

I can’t tell from the "Meet the Aerie Girls" section of the above site how old these girls are, though in fairness there appears to be a good spread of ages. And I actually can’t tell you what they talked about in the spots, so deafened by my own rage was I. Maybe it was about the social implications of having a sexual code on college campuses, as provoked by an Take Back the Night rally on VM. I doubt it though.

In sum:

1) Watch Veronica Mars (you should watch GG, but it is in less danger of cancellation)

2) CW: please kill off the Aerie Girls in a terrible, soft clothing-related accident.

Kids These Days!

Specifically, their Saturday morning cartoons.

Part 1 of 3: Yu-Gi-Oh!

 

Let
me confess that I think this show is awesome. Here are the elements:
role playing card games, Mexican telenovela, spirit possession,
Egyptian history, metaphysics. Can’t go wrong with that winning and
completely logical combination! Those elements naturally gel!
Anyway, the show is awesome, if you can watch for like 20 seconds and
then quickly look away. On another recent Saturday morning I was
treated to a rerun of the fan favorite episode. Well, I thought it was
an episode, but it was actually a five-parter. Yes, I watched all five
parts. Here are the awesome things that happened:

1. The main character is battling the spirit that has possessed him for the previous several seasons. Awesome!
2. If
   the main character wins, the spirit will be released, which is great,
   but they will be parted, which makes them both sad. Awesome!
3. The
   whole cast is watching from the sidelines. Not only is that excellent
   writing – subplots? why bother! – but it’s visually hilarious because
   they all look ridiculous. There’s
   1. Yugi’s brown-haired friend, whose name I cannot remember, or maybe it has never been said, which would be awesome.
   2. Yugi’s blond-haired American stereotype friend, Joey.
   3. Yugi’s friend / girlfriend of #1, Mai.
   4. Joey’s sister, formerly blind, until she was cured either by mystical forces or
      through an operation paid for with prize money, I don’t clearly recall
      which. Either way, Awesome!
   5. Yugi’s grandfather, no longer trapped in another dimension / in a playing card.
   6. Yugi’s arch enemy / famous captain of industry.
   7. #5’s little brother.
   8. Woman dressed in ancient Egyptian garb, name and history unknown.
   9. Man dressed in ancient Egyptian garb, name and history unknown.
4. There are many cliff-hangers, of the "Only one card can save him now!" variety, and what do you know? He always has that card!
5. At
   the end, (spoiler alert!) Yugi defeats the spirit/Pharoah. Then, for
   some reason, he uses his necklace to open a literal door, which is, for
   some reason, the gateway to the resting place for Pharoah spirits. For
   some reason, this causes the whole place to collapse. Luckily, our
   heroes escape (for some reason).
6. Awesomely,
   the two Egyptian people have a conversation about how they no longer
   have a purpose in life (I guess they were around to free the Pharoah?),
   and decide to TRAVEL.

In conclusion, that show is insane, don’t watch it.

Ugly Tamerican

I am leaving for Barcelona on Wednesday. I am extremely excited for my First Real Vacation this year, as well as my return, upon which I will watch television for three straight days. It will be glorious. And maybe it will help me make some TV cuts, because good god, it’s getting out of control.

But I digress.

Barcelona. It seems that I know a lot of people who have gone there, and they all love it, universally. I’ve really not had any time to even think about what I want to do while there, and I’ve only skimmed a friend’s guidebook. I can give you a list of things that WON’T happen on my trip.

1. While at the airport, I will not make chitchat with the other passengers buying water at the newsstand about how glad we are that we can now buy and carry-on said water. Not because I’m not glad, I just hate chitchat.

2. I will not start a fight with the security people about whether or not my shampoo is in a 3 ounce or smaller bottle. Though I’ll want to.

3. I will not wear a fanny pack.

4. I will not, once in Barcelona, talk like Peggy Hill does when she is substitute teaching Spanish class. I will also not remember much of my five years of junior high and high school Spanish.

5. I will, however, try to remember that "embarazada" does not mean "embarrassed." It means "pregnant." That is important.

6. I will not go stupid at the metro station, and will remember that I can probably figure out how to use the ticket-making machine. Unlike certain people in a certain city in which I live, none of whom can manage to do the same even in their native language.

7. I will not set foot on a tour bus.

8. I will not enter a McDonald’s. Unless it is to use the bathroom. I cannot make the same promise if I find a Dunkin’ Donuts. I really enjoyed the Dunkin’ Donuts in Prague. You have to pay for each sugar!

9. I will eat so many tapas. In Barcelona, you save the toothpicks from each piece of tapas, and then they count them at the end of your meal and charge you accordingly.

10. I will not hide my toothpicks.

11. If I say something in English and someone doesn’t understand me, I will not just repeat that same statement more loudly. I will also not add crazy hand gestures.

12. Ok, maybe I will do that.