My TV Boyfriend, Finally

My TV boyfriend was, of course, Vaughn, on Alias. Michael Vartan is HOT, people. But then, he, you know, "died." So that kind of ended, since the whole thing about TV boyfriends is that they should actually be on TV.

The crop is pretty thin these days. Old contenders have become annoying (Seth Cohen on "The O.C.," for example, while still pretty, has become annoying and whiny and selfish). And there just isn’t much out there. There are many people I love on the TV, but not too many that I lurve. I’ll start with the places where my list overlaps with Ro’s, then add my unique choices.

1. Jack Bauer (24)
Pros: As Ro said, that VOICE. Oh my god. I just want him to sit there and read aloud to me all the time. He’s not a bad-looking man, and he’d be really good at hunting down my enemies.
Cons: Also has a lot of enemies himself.

2. John Dorian (Scrubs)
Pros: So funny! Good at having conversations about nothing, one of my favorite activities. Awesome man-love with heterosexual life partner Turk.
Cons: In addition to the insecurity, weird commitment issues.

3. John Sheppard (Stargate: Atlantis)
Pros: He is pretty! So very, very pretty. Excellent one-liners. Made up that story about clowns that time, and it was really funny.
Cons: Man-whore, as Ro said. Always in imminent danger.

4. Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)
Pros: Charming in that borders-on-smug kind of way that is just so very hot.
Cons: Not really ok to date high-school boys, probably. I guess. SIGH.

5. Dr. Sheppard, a.k.a. Dr. McDreamy (Grey’s Anatomy)
Pros: The hair. Wow. Smart and, you know, dreamy.
Cons: Already has a wife AND a girlfriend. Works a lot.

6. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)
Pros: Smoking hot. I mean, look at that face. Smart enough to plan a prison break.
Cons: Currently actually in prison.

7. Agent Weiss (Alias)
Pros: Hilarious! Good in a tight spot, knows magic tricks.
Cons: Show is going off the air soon, and he’s not really on it any more.

These are all good guys, don’t get me wrong. I just miss the old days, I suppose.

Keen Insight Is So Boring

Read all about it.

Ro is going to kill me

I am procrastinating from making my own TV Boyfriends list by posting this Non-Humans round of the cliff game we played yesterday.

Ro: Cliff game, Abstract Edition: Tomorrow, Next Year, Two Years Ago. It’s a thinker!

Ta: Man. Live with tomorrow, sleep with next year, and thrown two years ago off a cliff? that was hard! and made no sense!

Hee, continuing in this vein, categories of art! Abstract, Impressionist, Surrealist.

Ro: I would have lived with next year, slept with today, and thrown two years ago off a cliff. It makes perfect sense! Regarding art, I would live with Abstract, have sex with Impressionist, and kill Surrealist. I think it’s the only way to go.

Okay, scientific theories: Newtonian physics, String theory, and Evolution.

Ta: Hee, I agree wholeheartedly on your art decisions. But for your time ones – today wasn’t an option, tomorrow was. So there.

Oooh, I like it. I would live with string theory, sleep with evolution, throw Newtonian physics off a cliff. Living with string theory would be all fun and crazy and confusing!

Speaking of evolution – creation theories: Intelligent design, creationism, and Darwinian evolution.

Ro: Hee. I was totally wrong about the time things. I guess I would still do the same and sleep with tomorrow. Tomorrow is hot.

I don’t think I could live with string theory – I would never understand what it was doing or saying or why it can’t vacuum the floors every once in a while (11th dimension my ass). So I’d probably sleep with it (hee!), and kill evolution. I’d like to hang out with Newtonian physics, because it’s so simple and almost right. So close!

Regarding creation theories, which is awesome, I would sleep with intelligent design, live with Darwinian evolution, and kill creationism (who’s God now? I’d say). I don’t feel good about sleeping with intelligent design, but I don’t see a better choice. That’s a tough one.

I give you unusual religions: Mormonism, Scientology, and Amish-ism-ish.

Ta: I think I would sleep with evolution again, and live with ID, because I think it would be really funny to harrass ID all the time. But I see your logic.

Ooooh, yours is nice. And really, really hard. Ok. Well, I am going to kill the Amish-ism-er because it would be BO-ring to live with and I couldn’t have electricity and shit, and I am pretty sure Amish sex might be boring, too. Right? So I guess I would, uh, sleep with Mormonism and live with Scientology. I know! But living with Scientology could be fun in the way I think living with ID might be fun, and I don’t want to live with Mormonism because there would be too many people over all the time. Hee!

Ok. Breakfast foods (fancy-ish breakfast foods). French Toast. Omelet. Eggs Benedict.

Ro: Hee. This is fun. I think you are right about Amish sex. Then again, it would be funny and awesome if the Amish had the best sex. Someone should do a study. I’m sure the Amish would be happy to discuss this with researchers. Anyway, this one is really hard, you are right. My first impulse is to sleep with Amish-ness, since I don’t want to kill it or live with it. But then I have to live with one of the others, you know? I guess in the end I would do what you did. I would keep a lot of clams around and taunt the Scientology with them. How did we get from CLAMS to PEOPLE, again?

Breakfast foods: I would make sweet love to Eggs Benedict, live with Omelet, and kill French Toast. Mainly because I think an Omelet can be interesting every day, with different fillings, open-faced, frittata, etc.

For you, types of aliens I just made up: Oozes sweet smelling purple stuff that doesn’t stain and evaporates quickly; Constantly bounces ever so slightly; can only say "kelp" but is entirely understandable via inflection.

Ta: I think I would live with Eggs Benedict, because that is how much I love it. I really like french toast, too. So I am going to sleep with it. Unexpectedly, I would kill the omelet. I think I am just having a weird and rare sweet-tooth day though.

You are a strange girl. I will sleep with the bouncing thing, live with kelp (hee!) and kill the purple oozer. I don’t like ooze, even if it smells ok and doesn’t stain.

Ok, last one, because then I should really work before I leave. Flowers! Tulips, roses, and orchids.

Ro: Hmm. I think I would do the same thing you did with the aliens. Coming up with aliens was fun. I think the word "ooze" ruined things for that alien.

I would sleep with orchids, live with tulips, and kill roses. I’m going to leave now, and it’s going to be great.

Ta: (I never responded via email, but I am now!) I would do the same thing! Orchids are fussy, so I don’t want to live them, you know? I really like tulips and they come in a lot of colors, so they would be nice to live with.

FIN.

Oh, also

I read some books.

My TV Boyfriend

A couple of years ago my TV boyfriend was Will Tippen from Alias. We had a good run, but then he entered the witness protection program and I don’t see him that often. I think it’s high time for a new TV boyfriend. Here are the candidates:

1. Gregory House (House, M.D.)
Pros: Pretty! Funny! Smart!
Cons: Drug addict. Also, I worry that his hard outer shell conceals a soft center which in turn conceals a cold, dead heart.

2. Jack Bristow (Alias)
Pros: Can kill a man with his steely glare. Rather sweet. Suspect he would be hilarious at Karaoke.
Cons: Emotionally distant.

3. Jack Bauer (24)
Pros: The Voice. Impervious to bullets, fire, and death. Would call me "sweetheart."
Cons: Calls everyone "sweetheart." Seems to have a lot of bad days. Never be sure whether he’s really dead.

4. John Dorian (J.D.) (Scrubs)
Pros: Pretty! Funny! Smart-ish! Heterosexual life partner is also a delight.
Cons: Maybe just slightly insecure. Rich, disturbing fantasy life.

5. Barney Something (How I Met Your Mother)
Pros: Excellent suits. Enjoys a nice high five.
Cons: Terrible boyfriend material. Fondness for inspirational posters. 

6. Balthazar Getty’s Eyebrow Scar (Alias)
Pros: Hot.
Cons: Arguably limited relationship.

7. John Sheppard (Stargate: Atlantis)
Pros: Pretty! Funny! Okay, not that bright. Very nice sunglasses. Does lots of sexy alien-killing.
Cons: Long distance relationships are difficult. Slutty.

8. Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)
Pros: Awesome in every conceivable way.
Cons: Daddy issues. Kind of young. Also, I wouldn’t want to imaginarily intrude on a potential Veronica-Logan reunion.

It’s like Sophie’s Choice! I’m going to have to give this some thought and talk to Ta. A TV boyfriend should not be chosen lightly.

Bits

I actually had one more thing to talk about and now I can’t remember. But here are the various things I thought about from the time I left work yesterday until I got to work today:

24 really is quite good again this season.

***

So a few times now I have seen the following on the T, specifically on the C line. An older, not at all attractive man, fairly well-dressed, gets on the train with a younger (not grossly young, but probably early 30s, whereas he is well into his 50s) and attractive Asian woman. They are clearly an established couple, and she is invariably dressed in high heels, with an expensive purse and pricey but too-young-for-her clothes. There is much eye-batting by her, and he just seems so freaking happy that he got this chick to date him. The thing is, I just saw this on Law & Order and it did not go well. There was a marriage service that paired off Asian women with older dudes. Someone died, etc. So is someone running one of these in Boston? It creeps me out a little, especially the way the men look at and touch these women, it’s possessive and icky.

***

Across the street from me is a T stop, an open-air one. A few days ago, they put out two work trailers. And there is a machine of some kind. Then they repainted the crosswalk lines. Now, they are making the trailers more permanent, building wooden support frame under them. Fine. But what the heck are they doing? Are they going to build a new T stop? More importantly, is it going to be loud? Because on Monday, they woke me up at 6:30 doing something, and I wasn’t too happy about it. I can wear earplugs, but HF is a light sleeper and refuses to wear them because he is STUBBORN, and I really don’t want to have to sleep in Southie every weekend til they are done.

***

More or less every morning I get a bagel at the Finagle in the lobby. I don’t love their bagels, I am a Bruegger’s girl when I have my druthers, but they are convenient. Everything with "lite" (sigh) plain. So this morning I order my bagel, and the two ladies ordering concurrently with me order theirs, including a sesame with "lite" plain. They get their order first, and as the one with the sesame walks away, I see one of the workers go over to the guy who made the order and point something out on the order slip, then point to the girl. Then they sort of look after her, clearly thinking, "Man, we should totally stop her, because we gave her the wrong thing, but that seems hard, so…meh." Yeah, they gave her my bagel. Which sucks for her, because she clearly wanted a boring bagel. Plus, now I am waiting for mine. I wait for a while, then I finally say something, because like 5 other people have gotten theirs. The guy says it’s in the toaster. I look at him and I really want to call him out, not meanly, but just to say, "Dude, you totally gave that girl my bagel, didn’t you?"

***

There are about 20 seagulls flying in swoops outside my window. I almost never see birds up here, and they are REALLY close to the building, like feet away, and it is freaking me out.

I’ll See Your Spider Bites

And raise you the roof of my mouth is peeling.

Also, I wish you hadn’t brought up the house centipedes. I’m pretty sure there is one on me. Thanks a lot.

Faint of heart? Not for you.

Ro, this means you. Seriously. Just don’t read this, ok? I’ll wait. Are you gone? Ok, good.

So yesterday, I had this itchy little bump under my eye. When I got home, I discovered three more. Really small, you can’t really see them, but boy are they itchy. You know what they are? Fucking spider bites. NEAR MY EYE. This means a spider crawled on my FACE, while I was SLEEPING, and bit me. Bit me under my EYE.

Look, I know, deep down, that when I am asleep, sometimes, a spider is going to crawl on me. The Internet and TV have told me how many spiders I swallow a year (do not tell me how many, I am trying to block it out). But I do not want physical proof of this.

Possibly more disconcerting and scary than the whole spider-crawled-on-my-face-and-bit-me-without-my-knowing-about-it is this question: Where did the spider GO? What did it do after it bit me? HF said it probably just rolled over and died and fell onto the floor. I am not sure why he would say that, but I really don’t think that is the case. It’s not a bee. So is it going to come back, and bite me more? Why did it crawl down to my bed in the first place? Should I take down the 63 pictures of Greece I have in my room (no, really, there are a LOT), which provide far too many hiding spaces for creepy-crawly things. (They do, too, one time I had an epic battle with a spider that was cleverly hiding on one of the pictures, and I didn’t notice until I was looking at the picture and had my face like, INCHES, away from the spider. Then the fucker tried to run and hide behind the picture. Who knows what’s back there! And yes, all my experiences with bugs can be described as "epic battles.")

I’m moving at the end of the summer, and I am going to have to take down all those pictures. I am terrified. The return of summer also means the potential returns of the dreaded house centipede, the most disgusting creature I have ever laid eyes on. Go ahead, Google it. You’ll have nightmares for a week.

Anyway: Spider. Bit me in the FACE. Not happy.