Ok, ok, I’M BACK. Jesus.

Look, I am really, really tired. I was in Puerto Rico, then I got up at 6am to fly back and come to stupid work. I am an idiot. Imaginary Ta would never have done such a thing, so maybe Ro is better off without her. Real Ta has to fly to Chicago for work tomorrow morning, then back to Boston on Thursday. This makes Real Ta very, very tired.

Not only was I gone, I didn’t have access to free email or blackberry in PR, so poor Ro was left to fend for herself, totally alone.

Short version of the trip: I sat on the beach, a lot. I napped, a lot. I ate, A LOT.

And you know what, I do like crab cakes. But I don’t think I have ever, ever had a craving for them.

Man, I am back, but I am not interesting. I’m barely even coherent. That’s unfortunate.

NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN

Ta has been gone for three and a half days now. Here’s how I’ve spent the time so far:

Day 1: Denial. I consider emailing Ta and inviting her to lunch, even though we had lunch the day before. I abandon the idea of lunch because I have too much work. Only at 6:02 pm, arriving home, do I realize that I am an idiot and that she’s not in the contiguous United States. That, my friends, is professional level denial.

Day 2: Anger. You know what? Fuck Ta. I don’t need her. I can amuse myself. With stuff.  She’s probably having a sucky time anyway. Serves her right.

Day 3: Bargaining/Hallucinating. Having stared at my mail, washed a cookie tray, and watched 4 Colbert Reports, I am at a loss. I cannot amuse myself. I try to lessen the separation by pretending Ta is not far far away. I start having conversations with Ta in my head:

Ro: I’m so BORED!
Ta: Why don’t you play a video game?
Ro: I hate you.
Ta: You love video games, though.
Ro: Most of my delusions are crazier than this.
Ta: You could go kill a monkey!
Ro: There we go.

Day 4: Still Bargaining. I’m supposed to progress to Depression, but my imaginary conversations with Ta are actually going pretty well. I might not talk to the real Ta ever again. Example:

Ro: Hey, remember that time?
Ta: Oh my God, yes!
Ro: That was awesome!
Ta: I know!
Ro: Wait, what are you thinking of?
Ta: That time at Staples?
Ro: Oh. I was thinking of that time on the T.
Ta: Well, they were both awesome.
Ro: True.

And:

Ta: God, I could really go for some crab cakes.
Ro: Ta would never say that. I don’t even think Ta enjoys crab cakes.
Ta: Yes I do, I like them fine. I have a weird craving.
Ro: Um, have you achieved independent thought?
Ta: …No?
Ro: …

I’m looking forward to Day 5, which will feature either Acceptance or Ta’s return. I hope Ta comes back, because I’m really curious about her thoughts on the toilet paper issue. Is someone stealing rolls of toilet paper? Am I sleep-using-toilet paper? Did I TP someone’s house and forget about it? Ta?

See Ro Read Three Books

I am imbued with childlike wonder, I hate writers, and the future is naked. Read all about it here.

Thanks, Ro!

I stopped at the store on the way home and bought 6 pallets of Diet Coke! Thank goodness I wrote to you, I was clearly eating too much protein and too many vegetables!

Dear Soon To Be Single,

You have two problems: You are out of shape, and your boyfriend is a liar. Trust me, if you can tell you’ve put on a few pounds, he can tell, and he’s telling all his friends about your huge ass. I don’t know why he would claim you still look good. (Maybe he’s cheating? Check his outgoing calls!) You and I both know that you don’t look good. Here’s my diet and exercise advice:

Breakfast: 1 Diet Coke
Lunch: 1 Diet Coke, 1 half Snickers
Dinner: 2 Diet Cokes, Hot Pocket

Exercise: It sounds like you  haven’t exercised in a while, so tomorrow I’d get up early and run about 5 miles. If there are any hills around, that’s where you want to run. Don’t drink the breakfast Diet Coke before the run. It’ll be very refreshing afterward. Now, it’s not going to be easy to run 5 miles tomorrow morning, but it’s going to be even worse to run 5 miles tomorrow night, which I also recommend. That ass isn’t going to melt itself away!

Do this regimen every day for 2 weeks or until you look hot again. Then apologize to your boyfriend for getting out of shape and promise him it won’t happen again. Also, and I only mention this because I’ve had a few reader complaints, you might want to see a doctor after your two week regimen. Ask him about "scurvy" – he’ll know what you mean.

Dear Ro,

I have a desk job and I work long hours. I’m getting really out of shape! My boyfriend says I look great, but I know it’s not true. What should I do? I’m really at a loss here. Thanks!

Morning Person

I try not to talk about work here. Because it’s boring and unpleasant and I hate it.

But this morning, I got yelled at by a client.

And I just had to post to say GET OFF MY BACK, ASSHAT. It is not MY fault that the government is bugging you, via me, for documents. You think I want to spend my morning calling arrogant tools like yourself to nicely remind them that we are under a deadline for complying with The Man’s request for documents? DO YOU? Do NOT yell at me. I am your fucking lawyer, and I am trying to help you.

Oh, you’re too busy, and if the government isn’t happy with how fast you are moving, "they can just throw [you] in jail?" Ok, because they totally will. You aren’t calling a bluff here, champ, you will actually be arrested. And fined. A lot.

You did NOT just hang up on me.

So it’s been a good week. We got yelled at by the government yesterday. Today, the rest of my team is out. I don’t mind getting yelled at by clients from whom I expect it. Ok, I mind, but I’m prepared, I have responses and a plan and my steely resolve. But this client had, up until this morning, been a delight. Calm and courteous and helpful. So the yelling at me was really unexpected, and as a result all I could do was sort of stutter an apology and get hung up on.

Really looking forward to calling him back.

Thanks, Ta!

That sounds like a wonderful plan. Totally unrelatedly, let’s get dinner next week. There’s something I’d like to talk about.

Dear I was a Stupid Bet

First of all, did you ever think that maybe she doesn’t really like you either? Ironic!

I find that sometimes, friendships have a lifespan. But sometimes, one friend doesn’t "get it." How to cut them loose? I think your best option here is to make plans and then stand her up. Repeatedly. After a few weeks of this, when she finally calls you on it, you should make plans to go to dinner. Then, just after your food arrives, you should explain everything to her: that you were just hanging out because of a bet, and that the last 8 years have been a lie, and you don’t like her, never have! Then leave, without leaving her any money.

The total destruction of her self-esteem will ensure that she stops trying to make plans with you.

Dear Ta,

I don’t usually write into advice columns like this, but I could really use a second (or third, or fourth) opinion on this. It’s about my best friend, who we’ll call, um…"Sta." Sta and I have been friends a long time, but I never really liked her. I sort of started hanging out with her on a bet, and now, eight years later, she keeps calling me and asking me to go to the movies and stuff. I just can’t shake her! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Ro